I hate this feeling.
Every time I get a little sick. I’m afraid it’s AIDS. No joke. I guess it’s kind of like the feeling girls get when they miss their period. It’s a life ruining kind of feeling. But you can’t Plan B, Abort, give up for adoption or raise AIDS. You can’t put a ring on it and make AIDS a little better, like you can with a baby. You have to live with that. My whole life I was taught that AIDS was sent to kill off the gays. Having religious parents, you become indoctrinated in that kind of stuff. Being bisexual, it’s a fear that always lingers in my mind.
I have a healthy sex life. I’ve only forgotten a condom once or twice. In comparison to some, I qualify for the priesthood. AIDS and other STDs are things that can happen to everyone, I know. Heterosexuals can get them just as much as Homosexuals and Bisexuals. But all the Heterosexual men I know never fear AIDS. They talk about avoiding pregnancy, but not AIDS. I wish I had that problem. It’s been a while since I had that luxury. I haven’t been with a woman in a while. I used a condom, so I know I wouldn’t of gotten her pregnant. But even though I use condoms with guys, I still fear AIDS. I fear AIDS above all else. I fear it because I fear my parents reaction. If they gave me two things, it’s a fear of GD and a fear of AIDS, the gay plauge. If I came out to them with a HIV+ test, they would disown me, and in a way I’d disown myself. Just writing this, is giving me anxiety.
AIDS, unlike herpes and the other STIs, is a lonely disease. At least, that’s how it looks on TV. Sure, you can live and stuff and have it. But you will forever be marked as the slut. I would be the slut who got the slut disease. I can’t say I got it from rape or birth. I got it from sex with the wrong person. People always have a notion, as if you can tell when someone has an STI. Those prudes clearly don’t know. As they spend their time judging, I trusted in that person. Usually because they are the rare few that would ever touch me, in that way. What would break my heart even more is getting AIDS, losing my family and friends, and being left alone. Alone to sit in my own self loathing.
But I’m 19. I want to experiment with my sexuality. I just realized I was bisexual not even a year ago, and now it’s time for me to break out. It’s not a social justice thing. I’m not saying I’m oppressed by anyone in my fear of AIDS. I just wish I could talk to someone with out sounding like a whore. I don’t go after taken men. I don’t home wreck. The people I’m with are usually on the same page as me as to where we stand. I don’t hurt people’s feelings. I just want to do what my straight friends do. I just can’t have what they have nor get who they get. I’m the gayer brother, who can sit at the table but can’t talk about his fears without fear of judgement.
Maybe I’m not afraid of AIDS at all. Maybe I’m just afraid of judgement.