I hate this feeling.

Every time I get a little sick. I’m afraid it’s AIDS. No joke. I guess it’s kind of like the feeling girls get when they miss their period. It’s a life ruining kind of feeling. But you can’t Plan B, Abort, give up for adoption or raise AIDS. You can’t put a ring on it and make AIDS a little better, like you can with a baby. You have to live with that. My whole life I was taught that AIDS was sent to kill off the gays. Having religious parents, you become indoctrinated in that kind of stuff. Being bisexual, it’s a fear that always lingers in my mind.

I have a healthy sex life. I’ve only forgotten a condom once or twice. In comparison to some, I qualify for the priesthood. AIDS and other STDs are things that can happen to everyone, I know. Heterosexuals can get them just as much as Homosexuals and Bisexuals. But all the Heterosexual men I know never fear AIDS. They talk about avoiding pregnancy, but not AIDS. I wish I had that problem. It’s been a while since I had that luxury. I haven’t been with a woman in a while. I used a condom, so I know I wouldn’t of gotten her pregnant. But even though I use condoms with guys, I still fear AIDS. I fear AIDS above all else. I fear it because I fear my parents reaction. If they gave me two things, it’s a fear of GD and a fear of AIDS, the gay plauge. If I came out to them with a HIV+ test, they would disown me, and in a way I’d disown myself. Just writing this, is giving me anxiety.

AIDS, unlike herpes and the other STIs, is a lonely disease. At least, that’s how it looks on TV. Sure, you can live and stuff and have it. But you will forever be marked as the slut. I would be the slut who got the slut┬ádisease. I can’t say I got it from rape or birth. I got it from sex with the wrong person. People always have a notion, as if you can tell when someone has an STI. Those prudes clearly don’t know. As they spend their time judging, I trusted in that person. Usually because they are the rare few that would ever touch me, in that way. What would break my heart even more is getting AIDS, losing my family and friends, and being left alone. Alone to sit in my own self loathing.

But I’m 19. I want to experiment with my sexuality. I just realized I was bisexual not even a year ago, and now it’s time for me to break out. It’s not a social justice thing. I’m not saying I’m oppressed by anyone in my fear of AIDS. I just wish I could talk to someone with out sounding like a whore. I don’t go after taken men. I don’t home wreck. The people I’m with are usually on the same page as me as to where we stand. I don’t hurt people’s feelings. I just want to do what my straight friends do. I just can’t have what they have nor get who they get. I’m the gayer brother, who can sit at the table but can’t talk about his fears without fear of judgement.

Maybe I’m not afraid of AIDS at all. Maybe I’m just afraid of judgement.

21

December

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11

December

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11

December

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Tonight, on Degrassi with ugly people

I died yesterday. I bit of me died. I cried yesterday. Alot of me cried. I was fuming mad, I was mad at myself. I was mad at John and I was mad at everything else in the world. I hate and will always hate 11/24/12, because this was the day I’m pretty sure, I went from a high to a low in breaking speed.

Yesterday morning, I planned to watch TV with Jess Bedard. Things were gonna be fine. Just Degrassi. Just a friend date. We were gonna hang out in my basement and watch teen dramas and judge all the characters. It was gonna be fun. But that morning I got a ride from John Egan who told me about a party the local cool kid, Dailton, was hosting that night. Dailton was one of the coolest people I know. I, honestly, have no idea why. He reminds me of a Ken doll, or one of those stereotypical cool kids from the Disney Channel shows. He always seemed so happy, but not too happy. He was completly composed and chill, without comming off as a dick or someone who was trying to hard. Anyways, I was totally down to go to a party. Last party I went to, I got fucked up and was part of a 3 way makeout session. So I was looking forward to this party, and it totally put me in a good mood for work that day.

While I’m at work I was texting MJ and asking him if he was going to the party. He said he didn’t know there was one. I was like, “oh well lets hang out and smoke before I go to the party” and he was like, “I have no pot” and I was like, “I have some.” and he was like, “ok lets hang.” It wasn’t really like that but thats the jist. So after a long day of work, MJ comes to Walgreens to pick me up. I then go to my house to pick up my weed and change, but my house is locked. So I have to break in, and it was wicked awkward. I hated it. After taking 5 min to change, I ran out with my weed and I was all changed up. We went to the parking lot at Walmart, the cool place to be, and we talked and we gave each other advice about life and shit. It was like a bro-moment. We were friends, like-minded friends. I need those. While we were hanging, I spent the whole time convincing him to go to dailton’s party. After a while of convincing, and a bunch of weed, we were ok to go. I was so stoked. I was a tad nervous.

When we got there, the place was wicked nice and everything looked like a MTV teen party set or something. Everything was so pristine, and nice, and chill.

26

November

Thanks John

I litterally cannot trust you. You are the scum of the earth that lives off the lives of others. I am sitting her crying about nothing and everything, because you can’t fucking keep your mouth shut. I want to kill you so much. Not really. But you are a fucking scum bag. You told me to trust you. You told me you would never do anything to mess anything up. You told me it would be fine. The worse thing is, is that you already are happy with your man, why can’t you leave me the little I had left. Just like the two thirds of the bed thing. You took so much, why do you need more. It’s hard to tell sometimes wheather or not you are malicious or just a dumb ass. You said to much. You paused in your speech. It looked as if you, for a split second, thought about not doing this to me. But you did anyway. What would you do if I did all that shit to you, huh? How would you feel if I told jazzul everything I know. How would you like it? You would hate it. You would loath me. You would have a right to. I do things on my speed. You ruined everything, i built up. You destroyed it all. What’s worse is that I have to go in your car tomarrow and pretend nothing happened. Just for a ride to work. I have to pretend you didn’t ruin me. I have to pretend. I pretend. I suck.

This is my own faullt. This is all my fault. I should of, could of, listened to my mom. I could have stayed home and watched tv. I could of hung out with jess tonight. I could of done so many other things. But I talked myself into this party. I was so happy to smoke up, but I made things go awkward as I cohersed him to go to the other guys party. It was me who was like, “stay longer”. It was me. It was I. I did this to myself. I fought my guts and shit just to do all of this and have it blow up in my face. I can’t do anything right. My body is in decay. My life is not so far from it. My life has litterally been so fucked up. it’s sad to see. I am ruining everything. I let people come around and ruin everything. I pretend I don’t hate them. I pretend I dont. I pretend. I. I is the problem.

This debate will last in legislative of my brain for ever. One day these parties will compromise, or solve my issues. But not anytime soon. I sit here in as much moral decay, as I do spiritual and physical. I hate it.

25

November

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03

November

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27

October

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27

October

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27

October

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