I died yesterday. I bit of me died. I cried yesterday. Alot of me cried. I was fuming mad, I was mad at myself. I was mad at John and I was mad at everything else in the world. I hate and will always hate 11/24/12, because this was the day I’m pretty sure, I went from a high to a low in breaking speed.
Yesterday morning, I planned to watch TV with Jess Bedard. Things were gonna be fine. Just Degrassi. Just a friend date. We were gonna hang out in my basement and watch teen dramas and judge all the characters. It was gonna be fun. But that morning I got a ride from John Egan who told me about a party the local cool kid, Dailton, was hosting that night. Dailton was one of the coolest people I know. I, honestly, have no idea why. He reminds me of a Ken doll, or one of those stereotypical cool kids from the Disney Channel shows. He always seemed so happy, but not too happy. He was completly composed and chill, without comming off as a dick or someone who was trying to hard. Anyways, I was totally down to go to a party. Last party I went to, I got fucked up and was part of a 3 way makeout session. So I was looking forward to this party, and it totally put me in a good mood for work that day.
While I’m at work I was texting MJ and asking him if he was going to the party. He said he didn’t know there was one. I was like, “oh well lets hang out and smoke before I go to the party” and he was like, “I have no pot” and I was like, “I have some.” and he was like, “ok lets hang.” It wasn’t really like that but thats the jist. So after a long day of work, MJ comes to Walgreens to pick me up. I then go to my house to pick up my weed and change, but my house is locked. So I have to break in, and it was wicked awkward. I hated it. After taking 5 min to change, I ran out with my weed and I was all changed up. We went to the parking lot at Walmart, the cool place to be, and we talked and we gave each other advice about life and shit. It was like a bro-moment. We were friends, like-minded friends. I need those. While we were hanging, I spent the whole time convincing him to go to dailton’s party. After a while of convincing, and a bunch of weed, we were ok to go. I was so stoked. I was a tad nervous.
When we got there, the place was wicked nice and everything looked like a MTV teen party set or something. Everything was so pristine, and nice, and chill.
I litterally cannot trust you. You are the scum of the earth that lives off the lives of others. I am sitting her crying about nothing and everything, because you can’t fucking keep your mouth shut. I want to kill you so much. Not really. But you are a fucking scum bag. You told me to trust you. You told me you would never do anything to mess anything up. You told me it would be fine. The worse thing is, is that you already are happy with your man, why can’t you leave me the little I had left. Just like the two thirds of the bed thing. You took so much, why do you need more. It’s hard to tell sometimes wheather or not you are malicious or just a dumb ass. You said to much. You paused in your speech. It looked as if you, for a split second, thought about not doing this to me. But you did anyway. What would you do if I did all that shit to you, huh? How would you feel if I told jazzul everything I know. How would you like it? You would hate it. You would loath me. You would have a right to. I do things on my speed. You ruined everything, i built up. You destroyed it all. What’s worse is that I have to go in your car tomarrow and pretend nothing happened. Just for a ride to work. I have to pretend you didn’t ruin me. I have to pretend. I pretend. I suck.
This is my own faullt. This is all my fault. I should of, could of, listened to my mom. I could have stayed home and watched tv. I could of hung out with jess tonight. I could of done so many other things. But I talked myself into this party. I was so happy to smoke up, but I made things go awkward as I cohersed him to go to the other guys party. It was me who was like, “stay longer”. It was me. It was I. I did this to myself. I fought my guts and shit just to do all of this and have it blow up in my face. I can’t do anything right. My body is in decay. My life is not so far from it. My life has litterally been so fucked up. it’s sad to see. I am ruining everything. I let people come around and ruin everything. I pretend I don’t hate them. I pretend I dont. I pretend. I. I is the problem.
This debate will last in legislative of my brain for ever. One day these parties will compromise, or solve my issues. But not anytime soon. I sit here in as much moral decay, as I do spiritual and physical. I hate it.